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Correction sample 1

Original:
American Idol

I and my fiancé have enjoyed watching one TV program the name is "American idol". This is a singing competition show created in USA. We are always surprised how interestingperson participated in this show.


Correction:
American Idol

My fiancé and I enjoy watching a TV program called “American Idol”. It is a singing competition, which was created in the US. We are always surprised to watch the unique contestants.

Comments:
When we talk about someone we are engaged to, we call them our fiancé. You must say, My fiancé and I, not I and my fiancé . You can shorten the sentence by using….called “AmericanIdol” after TV program. Interesting people is OK, but unique is a stronger word that you could you instead. You can call the people who participant in a singing or dancing competition ‘contestants’.

Original:
Some of the contestants were almost like a pro. But some of them obviously participated with
h only high self-esteem and ego. They didn’t seem to have passion to sing, just wanted to
become a celebrity.


Corrections:
Some of the contestants were almost like professionals. But many of them only had a high self esteem and a big ego going for them. They didn’t seem to have a passion for singing, they just wanted to be a celebrity.


Comments:
It would be OK to use the word ‘pro’, but I would use professional the first time around and then use ’pro’ after that. It sounds more natural. When someone has a good or bad thing in their personality, we often say they have “a high self esteem and a big ego going for them. When we talk about having a passion for something, we must use the –ing form of the verb .i.e. a passion for dancing, a passion for cooking.

Original:
These types of attendees tended to make a fuss, scatter, and leave dirty word after
they were rejected by judges. Their action gave us big surprise and laugh.

Corrections:

This type of contestant tended to make a fuss and cuss after they were rejected by the judges. Their actions surprised us and made us laugh.

Comments:
I am not sure what you meant by scatter, but instead of leave a dirty word you could use cuss, which means to swear or use slang. We don’t use give a surprise but be surprised. And we use the passive form, made us laugh.

Original:
But on the contrary, we wonder how they developed such a strong confident? How they can express their mind so vividly and wildly?  Because for their freedom or for the mix-race country?


Corrections;
But on the contrary, we wonder how they became so confident. How they can express themselves so uniquely? Is it because they have freedom or because they come from a multi-cultural country?

Comments:
You don’t need a question mark after the first sentence because you are not asking a direct question. It is more natural to say become confident or if you want to use develop you can say develop confidence. I changed vividly and wildly to unique because it ties in your earlier statement. In the last question you need to say they have freedom. It is also more natural to say they come from a multi-cultural country.


Original:

When we were in there, it was easy to find out someone who was extremely conspicuous.  But in Japan, for the single nation or not, it is hard to find anyone very unique around the corner quickly.

Corrections:
When we were in the US, it was easy for us to find people who stood out. But in Japan, being a mono-cultural country, it is hard to find someone unusual.


Comments:
You need to clarify the ‘there’ to the US, because you haven’t actually said you were there. You have only said you watched the program, which was American. It is more natural to say stand out than conspicuous. We use conspicuous when we talk about people who are easily seen, not stand out. For example, the man in the bright red coat was conspicuous at the funeral. Because I used multi-cultural country previously, this time I used mono-cultural country as a contrast.

Original:
Watching American Idol remind us how USA was exciting country with a various type of people was existed. We can’t wait till next season is broadcasted.


Corrections:
Watching American Idol reminds us how exciting the U.S is, with lots of interesting people co-existing. We can’t wait till the next season is broadcasted.

Comments:
In this last paragraph you can use the word so-exist, which means being different but be able to live together.

Notes:
Your essay is very well set out. You have explained what American Idol is, why you like it and why the people may be so interesting. There are no major mistakes in your English, however you need to look at using natural expressions and using a wider range of vocabrary. I have never watched the program myself, but I know it is a big hit in many countries.

Correction sample 2

Original:
Hello, expecting my teacher.
I'm hesitating to write this letter, because I hardly write something in English. So, I want to you suggest and teach how to write in English correctly, naturally and fluently.

Correction:
Hello,
I'm nervous about writing this letter, because I hardly ever write anything in English.  So, I’d like you to teach me how to write in English correctly, naturally and fluently.

Notes:
1) I’m nervous about……is more natural than I’m hesitating to….. 2) In this case, you could use the adverb of frequency hardly ever which means rarely.  Alternatively, you could just use hardly but you would have to change the sentence to ‘I can hardly write anything in English’ .  This sentence implies that you have a lot of difficulty writing in English. 3) I’d you like to is a little softer and not as demanding as I want you to.

Original:
My name is Shinji, who eager to unravel the mystery of life and to, if possible, reconstruct the system which is thought to be a life in silico.

Correction:
My name is Shinji and I’m eager to unravel the mystery of life and to, if possible, reconstruct the system, which is thought to be a life in silico.

Notes:
1) In this situation when talking about yourself and I’m eager is more suitable and informal then …, who eager.2)Yasunori, I didn’t really understand the meaning of this sentence, particularly the last line, which I have underlined.  I’m sorry.

Original:
I belong to information technology lab. at an electric company for studying and developing algorithms for systems-biology which is interdisciplinary study of biology using computer.

Correction:
I work in an Information Technology Lab at an Electric company, studying and developing algorithms for systems-biology, which is the interdisciplinary study of biology using computers.

Notes:
1) Usually we use belong to for a group or a club, so I think in this case work in a laboratory is more appropriate. This paragraph was quite good.

Original:
To make my dream real, I want to study more among top-notch researcher in this field and have connection with them, so I want to study abroad and eager to master English!

Correction:
To make my dream areality, I want to study more among top-notch researchers in this field.  I would also like to study abroad and am eager to master English!

Notes:
1) Instead of repeating I want to, I would also like to is a good alternative.  It generally sounds better in written English.

Original:
My favorite way of study English is reading, sometime with speak aloud. I've read the book

Correction:
My favorite way of studying English is by reading, sometimes aloud. I've read the book…..

Notes:
1) We use by when explaining a method or way of doing something. 2)Take care with the use of sometime v sometimes.  Sometimes is an adverb of frequency, which is similar to occasionally.  For example, I sometimes go to the beach in summer.  Sometime basically means at a time not known or not stated.  For example, I’ll visit you again sometime.

This was a good effort.  My only advice would be to keep it simple. 

Correction sample 3

Original whole essay:

I've been living San Francisco, USA and it has past 1 month since I came here. I 'm going to stay in the States for a year.The reason why I came here is cultual exchange between the States and Japan. Now, have been introducing Origami (Paper Folding) and Japanese greeting at the elementary school in SF. Children are so cute and they are interested in Origami very much. But it's so hard for me to teach Origami and Japanese to them because my English is broken and sometimes they can't understand my English. I think I have to study English harder now.

Original:
I've been living San Francisco, USA and it has past 1month since I came here. I'm going to stay in the States for a year.

Correction:
I've been living in San Francisco for the past month. I'm going to live here for one year.

Comments:
It is better to say for the past month. It is not really necessary to say USA after San Francisco because it is very well known.


Original:
The reason why I came here is cultural exchange between the States and Japan. Now, I have been introducing Origami ( Paper Folding) and Japanese greeting at the elementary school in SF.

Correction:
I came to the US to do a cultural exchange between the US and Japan. Recently I have been teaching origami (Japanese paper folding) and Japanese greetings to elementary school children.

Comments:
I changed the beginning of the sentence, as it was a little wordy. You can start off the sentence with I came to the US. Even though you don't say it, it is understood you are talking about the reason. If you use the word "now", you need to use the present tense, as it is something you are doing at this moment. It is probably better to say "recently" (which means in the past few days or weeks) in this situation.

I'm not sure if you are teaching at one elementary school or many. When I made the correction I just said elementary school children. If you are teaching only at one school in San Francisco (please remember when you are writing an essay you can't use SF for San Francisco) you need to say an elementary school in San Francisco. When you say the elementary school in San Francisco it sounds like there is only one elementary school in San Francisco.


Original:
Children are so cute and they are interested in Origami very much. But It's so hard for me to teach Origami and Japanese to them because my English is broken and sometimes they can't understand my English. I think I have to study English harder now.

Correction:
The children are very cute and they are very interested in origami. It's very hard for me to teach them as my English isn't very good and sometimes they can't understand me. I think I have to study English some more.

Comments:
I think Japanese people use the word "so" more than native English speakers. We tend to use the word "very" more. Also I changed the "very" from the end of the sentence to in front of interested. This is the correct usage of "very". For example: very interesting, very expensive, and very tall.

We don't say my English is very "broken". It is better to say it isn't very good. I also added that sometimes they can't understand me because I'm sure they understand some of what you say. I often hear students say 'My English is broken'. However this is not correct. If you say this it means that your English is damaged or destroyed. Of course, this doesn't make sense. You can say broken English in this situation though. If you say 'broken English' it means that your English is not good. In this case, you have to put the adjective in front of the noun.


Notes:
This sounds like a very interesting job. I'm sure the students are very interested in learning new things. One of the great things about children are they want to learn new things. Also, they are probably very forgiving about your English. I think you did a good job explaining about what you were doing. Maybe you could have had some more information but I got an understanding of what you were doing. Good luck with your program.

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